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Blog

Conceiving Axl...

Vivien Yap

Met up with a friend recently and we were sharing about our difficulty in getting preggers and it brought back many memories of the arduous journey before we finally conceived Lil X.

For the first few years of our marriage, I was working overseas and was away from Ken for long stretches of time. But years later when we decided we were ready to start a family, things didn't go as easily as I thought!

After trying naturally for the first few years, it started to get to the point where the monthly anticipation of whether I was pregnant took a toll on me emotionally and mentally. I would try my best to act nonchalant in my efforts to not get my hopes up, but yet would secretly be desperately praying behind closed doors. When I would get my period, it would feel like the whole world came crashing down and that I didn't have any fight left in me to try again. And when you somehow find that mustard seed of faith to cling on to, this cycle of devastation happens again and again every month! 

It's a very lonely battle for a couple as it's not the easiest struggle to express and for people (even those married or with kids) to understand. I remember most times, I could not even be able to bring myself to talk about it and no one's like, gonna track your time of the month right?! Plus there's really very little one can say to make you feel better...

I remember when the gynae refused to put us through IVF directly because of my age, he dismissed us nonchalantly, probably in a bid to 'encourage' us that "Ah, you are still young no rush..." Hot tears welled up my eyes immediately and i wanted to scream at the top of my lungs "That's besides the point!!!" But i could only defeated-ly sob, "But we really want a baby..."

Other times, hearing a "Relax, dont think about it too much" or "Don't give up and keep trying" when you aren't ready, simply makes you feel horrible and adds more pressure. 

But, I am thankful to everyone who believed together with us and remembered us in prayers. And I really thank God that He gave me the strength to keep trying even when I didn't have it in me to. 

10 years into our marriage, 3 failed IUIs and many many prayers later, we conceived this beautiful precious baby naturally... Our little divine reward!