These few weeks has been really intense at work, ministry, life and motherhood... and I've kinda been running on auto pilot mode. Some days, I really have no idea how I survived but as I finally catch my breath at the end of the day, physically exhausted, I'm just thankful that I did!
And amidst one of those crazy intense days last week, I lost my temper with Axl for the first time!
It was a long day of back to back meetings, and being late to pick up Lil X AGAIN, I grabbed a dinner-on-the-go and rushed over to my mom's place at 8+pm in a cab. On the way there, in between bites and *trying* to start working on an email report that I knew would see me working through another sleepless night, I mentally ran through the list of things I had to do when I got home...
9.15pm Make milk & prepare Axl for bed
9.30pm Put X to bed
10.00pm Throw in his laundry as I'm down to his last clean PJ. Handwash that 2 stained tops I left to soak this morning.
10.15pm Unpack his baby bag and wash+sterilize his milk & water bottles. Replenish biscuits, top up milk powder and diapers.
10.45pm Iron tomorrow's clothes and do a quick round of magic clean for the floor while tidying up his toy strewn room.
11.30pm Hang dry the laundried clothes
11.45pm Start working on that email report to be submitted first thing the next morning!
Sounds like the perfect plan... EXCEPT that night, instead of taking 30mins to put Axl to bed, it took more than 2hrs before I succeeded. Usually after falling asleep in my arms or on our bed, I'd transfer him to his cot. But that night, he struggled to sleep and when he finally did, I would put him down in his cot, but he'll cry and scream and ended up wide awake. This went on again and again for at least 15-20 times! With the seconds ticking by and the pressure of all the unfinished housework and work weighing down on me, I broke down and shouted at him to JUST GO TO SLEEP and threatened to walk out on him! As he sat there crying hysterically for his mummy, I stared at him angrily, unable to muster any strength left to pick him up again and restart that dreaded cycle.
Sigh... That night, after successfully laying him down to bed, I broke down and felt like such a failure as a mother. But in between my sobs and whispers of apologies to my now sleeping angelic-ly baby, I realized that this was an integral part of my journey into motherhood and I AM allowed that space be better and to grow into my God given role as a mother.
With that, I wiped away the remaining streaks of tears with the back of my hands and yup, finally proceeded to start bringing into reality that perfectly crafted Things To Do list at 2+am!
P/S: Here's some of my favourite pics with Lil X. Always choose to focus on the good times! I love you so much my sweetheart!